Monday, November 29, 2010

Excerpt from the past.

I am lying on a black chair that has been transformed into a cushioned mat for me to lay on.  I am heavily medicated due to a massive ear infection that threatens to invade my brain, and I desperately  wish someone would just put me out of this pain and misery.  I can’t hold down anything.  My stomach aches with hunger, and my head pounds with pain.  I feel like my eardrum has busted, I can barely hear anything  Everything seems to be in a haze and my guilt overwhelms me.  Right at this very moment while I am lying here my family is attending a funeral.  My uncle died today, my mother’s only brother is dead. He would have turned twenty-seven this year.  My whole family is grieving yet I have not yet shed one tear until now.  Now that they are gone and I am hear I cannot stop the flow of tears.  Tears they will never see, cannot ever see. I am supposed to be the strong one I am the good daughter.  If they only knew that I am not what they believe me to be.

I have done many things this year I am not proud of.  I don’t know how everything went so wrong.  Maybe this is God’s way of punishing me.  He knows the things that I have done he has seen the evil that I have partaken in.  I am afraid.  Yet I have no hope.  A couple of months ago all I had to do was pray and I felt better I knew God was there to help and to heal. Now I fear God’s wrath, I dare not ask for His help only that He forgives. I also ask to die, for I can not bear the combination of guilt, shame, and pain.  I am only fourteen years old and yet I feel as if I am forty. 

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