Thankful

I am thankful for the love that is currently in my life, although I feel my flaw is that I will always be looking at what I don't have.  I try to recognize that and move on, and be happy with NOW.  The one that got away, will always be on my mind, but I am trying to let go.  It is a tough battle, the mind/heart vs sensibility.

There are days when I look back and I remember all the stuggles and pain that I endured; I remember only being very depressed.  I re-live my eigth grade year and remember only that I wished to end my life because I didn’t think I was strong enough to endure any more excruciating trails life would continue to throw at me.  However, through all the pain, life was still going on all around me.  At home with my family I was still a little girl dancing in the ballet and arguing with my brothers.  In between the pitfalls I had very high peaks, and it is those peaks that I wish to remember and pass on as my legacy. I crave to understand my own purpose in life and therefore drawn to figure out who I was back then and how I wish to move forward now.  This is why I write, this is way I evaluate...

A person is born into this world with a thirst for human touch.  We crave social contact, and from the time we are born we try to figure out our place in this world.  We desire companionship and physical satisfaction, all the while trying to discover our purpose and self identity.  All of this is difficult; so many give up too early, they don’t see the potential in themselves to find their destiny, they settle for a person that gives them more pain than satisfaction, and ultimately struggle to find answers or forgiveness to their past in all the wrong places.  My wish is that those reading this will understand that no matter what your mistakes are in the past you can still move on to a bright and beautiful future.

Excerpt from the past.

I am lying on a black chair that has been transformed into a cushioned mat for me to lay on.  I am heavily medicated due to a massive ear infection that threatens to invade my brain, and I desperately  wish someone would just put me out of this pain and misery.  I can’t hold down anything.  My stomach aches with hunger, and my head pounds with pain.  I feel like my eardrum has busted, I can barely hear anything  Everything seems to be in a haze and my guilt overwhelms me.  Right at this very moment while I am lying here my family is attending a funeral.  My uncle died today, my mother’s only brother is dead. He would have turned twenty-seven this year.  My whole family is grieving yet I have not yet shed one tear until now.  Now that they are gone and I am hear I cannot stop the flow of tears.  Tears they will never see, cannot ever see. I am supposed to be the strong one I am the good daughter.  If they only knew that I am not what they believe me to be.

I have done many things this year I am not proud of.  I don’t know how everything went so wrong.  Maybe this is God’s way of punishing me.  He knows the things that I have done he has seen the evil that I have partaken in.  I am afraid.  Yet I have no hope.  A couple of months ago all I had to do was pray and I felt better I knew God was there to help and to heal. Now I fear God’s wrath, I dare not ask for His help only that He forgives. I also ask to die, for I can not bear the combination of guilt, shame, and pain.  I am only fourteen years old and yet I feel as if I am forty. 

Ramblings

Say the word... All you have to do is say the word and I am yours.... Scary to say... Do I really mean it? I guess we will never know

Are you being good, trying to stay away from temptation? Or just tired of me? Should I ask? I want to...

In a way, as frustrated as I am I am glad you ignor me, it helps letting you go.... And I need to let you go, even though every part of me does not want to.

You have been flooding my subconscience, dancing around in my thoughts, invading my dreams...

I wish I knew what you were thinking, how you really felt about me, what you wanted to happen.  I wonder do you just want the physical, or do I have it all wrong and you feel too much? Do you think I am playing with your emotions?

I wish you wanted me like I want you, I wish you felt for me how I feel for you, I wish you thought of me as often as I think of you, I wish it hurt you like this hurts me....Tell me you love me, you think about me all the time, and if I left I would be yours.....then I would be yours

I can't play anymore, I want it to be real, and its not so I can't play anymore. It hurts too much, I get built up only to be dissapointed.

I have tried too hard for too long to keep you in my life. I can't try any more.

I deserve the indifference you have shown me the past couple of weeks, however my heart can no longer take the rollercoster ride; my soul is bleeding from self inflicted wounds and I no longer belive
you care.

Eric Clapton — River Of Tears lyrics

This song reminds me of you...

Eric Clapton
It's three miles to the river that would carry me away, and two miles to the dusty street that I saw you on today.  It's four miles to my lonely room where I will hide my face, And about half a mile to the downtown bar that I ran from in disgrace.Lord, how long have I got to keep on running,Seven hours, seven days or seven years? All I know is, since you've been gone I feel like I'm drowning in a river, Drowning in a river of tears.Drowning in a river.Feel like I'm drowning,Drowning in a river. In three more days, I'll leave this town and disappear without a trace. A year from now, maybe settle down where no one knows my face. I wish that I could hold you one more time to ease the pain,But my time's run out and I got to go,Got to run away again. Still I catch myself thinking,One day I'll find my way back here. You'll save me from drowning, Drowning in a river,Drowning in a river of tears. Drowning in a river. Feels like I'm drowning, Drowning in the river. Lord, how long must this go on? Drowning in a river,Drowning in a river of tears.— River Of Tears lyrics

What I would say to you right now...

You only want me when you want me, but I need you all the time.

You rush me in and out of your life and I am getting dizzy.

I know you care for me, you say you love me...but what kind of love do you mean?  Love like an old friend, or love like you think about me all the time....that is what I feel for you.

Our paths have never been going the same direction, at the same time, but our lack of communication just make this love affair frustrating...like a romantic movie where the two leads can't ever get it together because they can never tell each other what it they want from each other.